Tag: life

Men, Just Listen to Her – Communication Tips for Stronger Relationships

This might sound odd to most men, especially if they haven’t begun to improve themselves. Of course you listen to her right? Sometimes you are half listening while on your phone or watching TV, but you are still listening.

Here is what really got me to see this listening dynamic differently, while you believe that you are listening to her, what is her experience like? If she was presented with the question, what would she say? Would her answer align with what you believe? Those are the kinds of questions that allow for a man to begin to see these interactions in a new light.

So often, conflict in our lives can be explained by two different people having different experiences. For example, she says that you aren’t listening and your reaction is to say that you are. She then gets frustrated because it doesn’t feel like you are understanding her while you get annoyed by her not feeling that you are listening. It is a merry-go-round of dysfunction that doesn’t benefit the health of a marriage or any relationship.

As you probably have, I’ve listened to plenty of podcasts and videos about how to improve my relationship. One common theme that I’ve seen is regarding curiosity. If you approach conversations, disagreements, conflict, etc. with curiosity then there is an opportunity for a positive outcome. Some experts believe that conflict can bring a couple closer which blew my mind when I first came across that possibility.

The basics of being closer during/after conflict is simple; two people are working together and not against each other. The problem for many men is that their ego gets in the way and spoils the possibility for connection to grow when conflict and emotions are high. We can also get defensive when our ego gets in the way. Being defensive blocks our ability to listen appropriately and she can 100% feel that barrier. Our defensiveness is too busy creating a response to defund us versus allowing for us to hear what she is saying.

Curiosity is a great remedy for defensiveness. Instead of defending ourselves, try to understand what she is saying and what she isn’t saying. It is tough to start doing but with practice, you can get better.

It is OK to ask her to clarify what she is saying. Tell her that you are trying to understand but need some additional information from her. Don’t assume that you understand if you are still unclear. Ask those curious questions. Show her that you are listening to what she is saying and how her body language is during the conversation. Being present with her in those moments is part of listening.

Being with her is a huge part of what she is looking for in these conversations. She needs to know that you are there and engaged. Don’t touch your phone, turn the TV off or remove other potential distractions.

This is a tough adjustment for some men as we are result driven and want to go A to B. Loitering around talking about stuff can feel very unnecessary to us but talking about things is so important to the women in our lives. If you can understand that talking is very important to her, wouldn’t you want to take part in giving that to her? If conversation brings her joy, you’d want to have a role in it right?

Listening to and providing someone with your undivided attention doesn’t take much effort and it should be especially easy when loved ones are involved.

Give it a try, you might surprise yourself with how easily it can come to you. I found that changing my mindset and wanting to be curious has unlocked parts of my life that I didn’t even know was hiding. Being a better listener has increased my happiness in so many ways, and I can certainly appreciate why women value it the way that they do.

October 24, 2026
School Shootings Impact – Mental Health Consequences

Here in the United States of America, we have ongoing problem of school shootings. This is unfortunately nothing new as there is a disgustingly long list of them. Our constitution has an amendment that protects gun rights. Passionate debates have been had about what that amendment covers or does not cover. I’m certainly not trying to insert my opinion into this discussion with this post, but I wanted to talk about something else, beyond the obvious loss of life or injured victims from these shootings.

During our most recent shooting at Silver Rail Elementary in Bend, Oregon on October 15, 2026, three students were fatally shot along with one teacher.

Obviously, losing these kids and an educator is tragic beyond words. A school should be a place for learning, fun, friendship, etc. certainly not a place for this level of violence. Parents and families should be able to send their little ones to school without the fear of never seeing them again because of a shooting.

What I have said above is what our society says after a school shooting plus the sprinkling in of thoughts and prayers. We also discussed what made the shooter do it. We talk about how they were eventually stopped by a civilian, law enforcement or by a self-inflicted wound.

I’d like to focus on something a bit different, the aftermath to the person(s) who stop the shooting.

When the shooting was unfolding a man named Kaylub Giamanco was conveniently passing by when he saw the shooter entering the campus. He went to his vehicle to retrieve his licensed weapon and moved towards the school. He is the man who fired the fatal shots that stopped the sixteen-year-old shooter.

He is a hero in any definition of the word. His actions saved lives, period.

Giamanco is a thirty-six-year-old father who had kids in that school. I can’t even begin to relate to the fear and concern he must have had about his kid’s safety at that time let alone the rest of the students or the faculty.

What isn’t being talked about is how he is handling the entire situation. This is a man and a father who took the life of another kid, justified or not. That is a decision that he will play repeatedly in his head for the rest of his life. That is a weight that he may never be able to get rid or process completely. He talks about how hard this has been for him during an interview, a link to that interview is here: https://www.opb.org/article/2026/10/23/bend-oregon-kaylub-giamanco-silver-rail-elementary-school-shooting/

Since this is a blog about becoming better men, please do yourselves a favor and read what he says, listen to the words and the tone in his voice. Hear his remorse for not saving the souls that were lost and for the life that he took. See what he is experiencing when he closes his eyes at night trying to get some sleep.

We can all see how he was a hero, but we can also acknowledge the long-term pain that he will have to endure because of that day.

As men, we are expected to suck it up and not talk about what he is sharing during this interview and I think what he is sharing is so powerful. He is expressing raw emotion that may very well overwhelm many men. Vulnerability is difficult for so many of us, but it has power that cannot be dismissed.

While we praise him, let’s not forget the aftermath of this incident. He didn’t sign up for these potential interactions like a police officer knows they could see in the line of duty. His mental health has and will continue to be tested as time goes on.

I hope that Mr. Giamanco and his family can eventually come to terms with what happened that day and are able to return to some kind of regular life. He is a hero for his bravery and courage even if he is disappointed that he couldn’t save everyone.

October 24, 2026
Navigating Shame and Guilt on Your Journey to Manhood

As you begin your journey to becoming a more complete man, be prepared to feel shame and guilt as you discover deficiencies in your life. When I started to see the areas where I should have shown up better, I felt awful. I simply couldn’t believe that I had made those mistakes or acted the way that I did. Of course, I couldn’t see the errors at the time, or I wouldn’t have made them. Sometimes we must take a higher viewpoint to see what is going on. It can be too difficult, or even impossible, to see something when we are deep in it. There is a reason why even professional athletes have coaches to help.

Going back to shame and guilt, be prepared for these emotions to bring up feelings that you haven’t been taught how to acknowledge, yet alone process appropriately. You might feel like you cannot escape what you are experiencing and that is OK. When our son was sick, I was completely overwhelmed with what I was feeling. I later learned about the term emotional overload and I believe that is what I was dealing with. In a nutshell, emotional overload is when so many things are going on at once for someone and you cannot process what is taking place. A deeper dive into that someday might be worth the time.

I’ve come to understand that when I make a connection between a situation and how I was feeling, a realization if you will, that shame and guilt were one of the first things that I felt. I was so embarrassed about how I handled something or how I did not handle it. It was very easy for me to get emotional because I felt so bad about myself that it would derail me from being able to see the entire picture and to process and learn from it. I’ve had to work and practice with real-life examples to get better with my processing. It isn’t easy, especially at first but it does get better with practice.

The challenge is to give yourself a bit of grace as you are working on developing a new skill. It’s like learning to read and write or to ride a bike. It is uncomfortable at first, and you could hurt yourself in the beginning but, eventually, you start to get the hang of things, and you build confidence in your abilities.

We can be our own worst enemies; I know that I was very hard on myself when my journey first began. Falling into a negative trap is so convenient as it is a simple escape. The real work is being able to feel the shame and guilt without it preventing you from learning and growing from the experience and those feelings. It is OK to acknowledge what you are feeling but then ask yourself why you are feeling them. Spend whatever time that you need to answer that question. Once you start to see what is going on inside of your body in those moments, true growth can begin to be unlocked and that is where the real magic begins.

October 9, 2026