This might sound odd to most men, especially if they haven’t begun to improve themselves. Of course you listen to her right? Sometimes you are half listening while on your phone or watching TV, but you are still listening.
Here is what really got me to see this listening dynamic differently, while you believe that you are listening to her, what is her experience like? If she was presented with the question, what would she say? Would her answer align with what you believe? Those are the kinds of questions that allow for a man to begin to see these interactions in a new light.
So often, conflict in our lives can be explained by two different people having different experiences. For example, she says that you aren’t listening and your reaction is to say that you are. She then gets frustrated because it doesn’t feel like you are understanding her while you get annoyed by her not feeling that you are listening. It is a merry-go-round of dysfunction that doesn’t benefit the health of a marriage or any relationship.
As you probably have, I’ve listened to plenty of podcasts and videos about how to improve my relationship. One common theme that I’ve seen is regarding curiosity. If you approach conversations, disagreements, conflict, etc. with curiosity then there is an opportunity for a positive outcome. Some experts believe that conflict can bring a couple closer which blew my mind when I first came across that possibility.
The basics of being closer during/after conflict is simple; two people are working together and not against each other. The problem for many men is that their ego gets in the way and spoils the possibility for connection to grow when conflict and emotions are high. We can also get defensive when our ego gets in the way. Being defensive blocks our ability to listen appropriately and she can 100% feel that barrier. Our defensiveness is too busy creating a response to defund us versus allowing for us to hear what she is saying.
Curiosity is a great remedy for defensiveness. Instead of defending ourselves, try to understand what she is saying and what she isn’t saying. It is tough to start doing but with practice, you can get better.
It is OK to ask her to clarify what she is saying. Tell her that you are trying to understand but need some additional information from her. Don’t assume that you understand if you are still unclear. Ask those curious questions. Show her that you are listening to what she is saying and how her body language is during the conversation. Being present with her in those moments is part of listening.
Being with her is a huge part of what she is looking for in these conversations. She needs to know that you are there and engaged. Don’t touch your phone, turn the TV off or remove other potential distractions.
This is a tough adjustment for some men as we are result driven and want to go A to B. Loitering around talking about stuff can feel very unnecessary to us but talking about things is so important to the women in our lives. If you can understand that talking is very important to her, wouldn’t you want to take part in giving that to her? If conversation brings her joy, you’d want to have a role in it right?
Listening to and providing someone with your undivided attention doesn’t take much effort and it should be especially easy when loved ones are involved.
Give it a try, you might surprise yourself with how easily it can come to you. I found that changing my mindset and wanting to be curious has unlocked parts of my life that I didn’t even know was hiding. Being a better listener has increased my happiness in so many ways, and I can certainly appreciate why women value it the way that they do.
